I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
