Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
