I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
