yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
