Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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