I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
