whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
