I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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