I am spending my child support on dildos
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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