The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
