I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
