my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
