he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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