There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
