I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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