omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
