i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
