Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
