onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
lets start a swedish sibling band together
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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