I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a hot homeless man
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
