Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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