Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
