So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
