Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
