Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
