i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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