thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
