Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
