Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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