the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
