i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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