dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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