I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
