Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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