I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
