How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need a burrito and a hug.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
