So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I hate all girls vehemently.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
