Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
