Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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