we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
