Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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