Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
