I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she looked like the before picture.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
