Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
