Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
