I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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