The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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