Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
