So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
