I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
