Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
