i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
