EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
