yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
