y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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